ReFlEcTiOnS

My P90X posts are probably coming off as narcissistic and shallow. I don't mean to come across that way. I really am a deep, spiritual person with many good qualities. It's just that, when you are a wife and mother, and you work, there is very little time in the world for yourself. Through the weight loss journey, I have discovered that there is this whole other 'me' person, and it's been really nice to rediscover that person again. I have had to overcome my own anxieties about what I'm capable of physically, and I've really been surprised at what a fighter I am. I really have to push my way through these workouts. It hasn't been easy to find the time or the energy. But I want my outer beauty to match the inner. I want to inspire others and show them what a little hard work can do for a person. I want to be healthy, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

From the moment I wake up in the morning until the moment I go to bed at night, my day is pretty much centered around others. The morning starts with me preparing breakfast for my two children, laying out clothes, and prompting them to get ready for school. I then drive them either to the bus stop or to the car loop, depending on how much time we have. It is not until they are in school and I'm back home that I get time to myself... all of 15 minutes, usually... before I have to leave for work. I am a low maintenance woman; I take showers at night most of the time, so all I have to do is brush and curl my hair, put on a little undereye makeup, mascara, and eyeliner, and throw on some slacks and a top. I drink my protein shake as I'm on my way out the door. Once I get to work (on the days I'm in the office), I have approximately four hours to get whatever it is I have to do, done. Then my focus is getting back home to my children before they get home from school. Days that I have clients are a little different, and my meetings are focused soley on clients, but I still have to be sure I'm home in time for my children. Now I am not complaining here, not one bit. I love being a mom and this is the way I want it to be. I love having a flexible job where I can basically schedule my hours around their school schedule.

Afternoons are a little tricky, because once I'm home, my focus goes straight to homework and dinner. My husband and I have very traditional gender role expectations, EXCEPT that I work outside of the home on top of everything that I do within the home. It wasn't always this way (I used to be a stay at home mom), but once the children were old enough for elementary school, I went back to work part time. So, cooking and cleaning are my responsibilities. I don't mind cooking; in fact, I love cooking, when I have time to cook. In my opinion, good meals take a long time to prepare. I use my crockpot a lot, which makes life much easier for me. It does all the work while I'm away. The cleaning part... I hate. I hate it with a passion. I think it stems from my upbringing. My mother was a neat freak, and everything had to be 'just so'. I love my mom dearly, and she did an incredible job with our house, but I'm just a live-in-the-moment-the-cleaning-can-wait kinda gal. There are certain things I do every day, like laundry and dishes, but I loathe sweeping, mopping, organizing, vaccuming... just not my thang. And again, when do I really have time? I refuse to spend my weekends doing this sort of thing.

So, after homework and dinner, there is always some sort of extracurricular activity to go to, whether it's Cub Scouts, karate, AWANA, soccer, or dance. We have something to do every single night of the week. Weekends are usually booked, too. It has always been part of my responsibilities to chauffer the children to all of these activities. And of course, once we're home from said activity, there is bathtime and bedtime, and my children are beautiful, wonderful children, but they fight me tooth and nail for every second they can stay awake. They are both late night babies and will stay up as late as they possibly can get away with!

Enter P90X into my life... Now I must make time for ME. My husband takes the kids to many of their extracurricular activities so that I can get my workouts in. My self-esteem has improved with watching the fat melt off of my face and various parts of my body. My energy level is up from the workouts, which contributes to a cleaner home. My mood has improved from all of the positive endorphins stirred up from exercising. The one challenge I haven't conquered is making more time for my husband. That's something I will have to figure out with time. He appears to feel a little left out since I started working out at home. We always went to the gym together, though we rarely worked out together. He typically hangs out with the meatheads in the weight room while I am doing cardio on the eliptical machine. But now he has been mentioning that he doesn't like doing cardio by himself and wishes I would go to the gym with him. Funny, since I could never get him to do cardio with me before.

So, all of this is why I am so determined to complete this P90X program and why I blog about it each day. It's something that I can do for myself-an experience that no one else can take away from me. It's hopefully going to change my life in a very positive way. Who doesn't want to look and feel great? I can still be a loving wife and mom and have a cute little figure. I just felt compelled to post these thoughts about why I feel the need to do the program and why it is important to me. I have lost 22 lbs since January, and I have a long way to go, but by summertime, I might actually be able to go to the beach in a bathing suit and not feel dreadfully ashamed of my body. I might be able to feel comfortable in my own skin and show the world that I took the time to do something wonderful for myself. And my children, who see me working out each day, will know what can be accomplished through hard work and dedication. They are my biggest supporters, and though they love me very deeply, I'm sure they wouldn't mind to have a mother who is as beautiful on the outside as she is on the inside. And yes, I think I'm beautiful on the inside :) I love life, I love to laugh, and I love Jesus. I am kind to others, and generous and giving. I am sure that there are areas I need to work on (I know there are), but all in all, I'm a pretty cool person :)

Thanks for reading... if you are reading... Good night!